Burgers in Space
by absolut pi phi
Summary: Japan is executing an important research on Mars. It is decided Japan's most veteran two astronauts are in charged with placing the automaton to the planet. But…Kagami is not even an astronaut, damnit! So as Aomine; then why the hell is he even acting like he knows everything! Crack. OOCness. Unknown circumstances.


**Disclaimer: **I own nil.

**A\N:** I'm sorry this fic is bullshit. It has no purpose and that's its purpose, and it just exists like mushi. Not romance and full crack. I don't know what i'm doing. This was supposed to be a romantic test drive on AoKaga. Something's wrong with me. Immense OOC warning! Warning! You've been warned!

I just know how to bullshit okay? I'M SORRY K?

Sakurai is my master. Whoosh!

* * *

**Burgers in Space**

"Please get ready for launch, Aomine-san, Kagami-san." The spectator's voice comes from the speaker and echoes inside the spacecraft.

Aomine Daiki fastens his seatbelt professionally, and calmly waits for his instructions. Next to him, sits Kagami Taiga. But he is far from calm.

"I keep telling you! I'm not a fucking astronaut! Stop this! Stop! I don't wanna go to space!"

"Kagami-san, we know you like joking but please, refrain yourself from using foul language and fasten your seatbelt immediately. We need you to take this mission very seriously." The spectator is calm and in control, and he needs Kagami-san to be done with fooling around. Aomine Daiki makes a censuring expression to indicate that he is not pleased with the unprofessionalism.

"Why the hell aren't you listening to me?! I'm no-"

"_The launch will start in ten-"_ the prerecorded female voice announces.

"FUCK!" Kagami panics and tries to fasten the belt with shaking hands. "What the fuck is wrong with this belt?!" The fastening system is complicated; it is one of the things that taught in simulations, of which Kagami wasn't a part.

"_Eight. Seven. Six."_

"Wait a damn minute! I'm not ready yet!" Kagami tries to reason with the automated system record.

"_Four. Three." _

"Shit!" The belt is tangled; Kagami definitely doesn't know what he is doing.

_"Two. One."_

Literally at the last second, Kagami manages to plug something in somewhere. He doesn't wearing his belt correctly but he doesn't care as long as he is not going to die during a freaking space launch.

"Why the fuck is this happening?" Redhead tiredly questions for the umpteenth time when the human spaceflight begins. Kagami doesn't remember how he came to this point. All he knows is that he was heading to his bed after a tiring day filled with practicing basketball and when he woke up; he was in a fucking spacecraft. Some men telling him to do this and that in some alien language sounding like Japanese, and utterly refusing to believe Kagami doesn't know anything, and Aomine Daiki is just sitting there; looking completely ready to leave the Earth.

What the hell is wrong with Aomine anyway? Doesn't he find the situation strange? His appearance is different too; he looks older and distant; like, he has a brain now. Kagami still doubts that though; Ahomine might look as if he knows how to think but Kagami is sure you can't use something you don't have and certainly, can't grow a brain.

The tanned male is communicating with the station and pressing some buttons. He is taking care of something called "standard procedure" which Kagami absolutely doesn't know and care.

When they have the confirmation of the launch is over and the craft is at the steady speed, Kagami tries to untie the knot existed under the name of seatbelt. It is an amazing tangle; redhead is almost proud of the job he's done. But he is flipping over at the moment since he also can't get free from it. Also constant "tsk"s from Aomine does nothing to help to ease Kagami's fury.

The spectator informs about the procedure being completed and now, all astronauts need to do is to enjoy the view; the station will even provide music for two spacemen. So that's how David Bowie's Starman starts to play in the spacecraft. 'Are you fucking kidding me?' Kagami doesn't get the nerdy and weird sense of enjoyment these guys have. Aomine does. He is laughing; amused and content.

Kagami decides not to comment on it. Aomine is so out of character that it is not even interesting. Redhead wouldn't even think there will be a moment he is going to miss the arrogant bastard-ness of Aomine.

'Damn it!' The cursed belt doesn't even budge from where Kagami plugged it in. He is few cusses away from cutting the whole damn thing. One last strong pull; and the belt is torn off. 'Thank fucking God.'

"Thank fucking God." Kagami decides to state the thought also out loud. Aomine "tsk"s again; making redhead irritated.

"Shut your mouth!"

Tanned male makes a wry sound and looks at somewhere else he finds worthy of his indigo eyes. Kagami is going to punch him. He swears he is going to do it. If it wasn't for the fact that Ahomine is the only one who knows what he is doing, Kagami would have already made him a punching bag. And redhead takes it back; Aomine is still an arrogant bastard but in a higher level. No, this is the highest: the space level; Aomine's most arrogant form.

Kagami is determined not to beat the living hell out of him before he steps back on Earth. So he forces himself to look other side. His anger instantly halts at the moment he focuses on the outside of the craft. It is amazing. Redhead is absolutely amazed with what he sees.

When the launch was made, it was day time. But now it is night; everywhere is only consists of bright starts and darkness because they are in the space. Kagami is in the fucking space.

"Woah…"

"Stop acting as if you are seeing it for the first time." Rises the irritated voice of Aomine and destroys all the astonishment Kagami has.

"But I _am _seeing it for the first time." Gotta wait until he is back on Earth. "Even if I wasn't, is it possible that you won't be amazed by the view for millionth time?" How come someone could get used it?

Aomine shrugs. "I'm not amazed."

Gotta wait, Kagami. "You _are _an asshole." Redhead shouldn't have been surprised.

Aomine doesn't verbally retorts like he normally would do. He snorts at the insult and throws another wry look.

Just wait. Don't do it yet, Taiga. Space arrogant Aomine is at another level of provoking Kagami.

"And you are more disoriented than Jupiter's 23rd moon." Aomine has this contemptuous tone while saying it, so he must be insulting Kagami. Right?

Redhead is confirmed when the men from station on Earth start snickering through the speaker. Aomine laughs too. "You guys get it?"

"Yeah!", "T-totally.", "Hahaha…m-more disoriented hahahaha..!" are the responses tanned astronaut gets. Aomine furthers the mocking thanks to the encouragement.

"His brain is dwarf-er than Pluto, too." Snickers turn into full blown laughs with the joke. Even Kagami gets the insult this time since the bastard said brain and dwarf in the same sentence. He is mad; Kagami is definitely mad. Redhead can see the imaginary glass, the last drop and more than the drop; he can see the tap over the glass.

"That's it!"

Kagami Taiga attacks Aomine Daiki.

The two supposed spacemen struggle in the delicate spacecraft. Yet, Kagami doesn't even give a shit about going back to Earth anymore. So, he also doesn't care if the damn craft gets broken in the fucking space as long as Ao-fucking-mine dies by his hands. Idiots from the station can yell about not conflicting in the space shuttle all they want!

Through the struggling, Kagami shoves Aomine to the panel with lots of colorful buttons on it. The spacemen both are choking each other when all the lights in the shuttle are gone as well as the noises from the speaker. There is a blackout.

There is a blackout in the freaking spaceship.

Astronauts are petrified in the middle of choking. "Wah-… What happened?" Redhead's brain decides to take a day off; it is too frightening to process everything.

"…The system crashed." Aomine impassively explains.

"Why in the hell are you so calm?! Isn't that a bad thing?! We are in the fucking space, you asshole!" Kagami chokes the bastard again.

"Back-…back...up…sys-…tem" Indigo ex-miracle can't speak since he is…choked.

"What's that?" The tiger didn't get what the man is saying. He stops the ministration to give a chance of explaining.

"…Backup system should start any moment now." The moment Aomine clarifies, the lights come back. Spacemen heave sighs of relief.

"_The system will restart in two minutes. Please confirm your identity."_ The automated female voice has returned. Of course, Kagami doesn't have any identification. Aomine scans his identity at somewhere on the panel.

"_Thank you, Aomine Daiki. Restart begins in one hundred twenty-"_

"Is she seriously gonna count down from 120?" Kagami deadpans. Aomine only shrugs, again, as a response. When the countdown finally ends, redhead is about to lose it. It was way too damn long.

The system is restarting and the power of the panel is respectively coming back on. Everything is going smoothly until the loudspeaker has the electricity power.

"_-will be rainy whole week. Don't forget your umbrellas~! There is a warning about whirlpools. Be careful fishermen! Though we live in the desert, pirates and coconuts-" _

"What the?" Aomine presses some green buttons to fix the speaker.

"_-unbelievable, ladies and gentlemen! All-Star basketball player Pau Gasol kicked the ball to the hoop! And it went in! Referee says it counts! Celtics won-" _Aomine is now pressing something yellow.

"_-we now pray, for our Lords. Pray, obedient lieges. Dogs are our Landlords. Repeat and say Woof-" _Aomine punches the panel hastily. The backup system should be on right now, so what the hell is this?

"The station guys you were talking earlier were actually from the radio station?" Because Kagami had the impression of they were from the space station…or some shit.

"No, of course not! Are you an idiot?!" Upon seeing a finally-panicked Aomine, Kagami strangely relaxes. Or maybe redhead is not coping with the situation since his brain is out.

"_-ank you for your participation. We now will play your requested song, Lady Ziggy Zigzag. David Bowie, Space Oddity."_

"_Ground contro~l to ma~jor Tom. Ground contro~l to ma~jor Tom. Take your~ protein pills and put your~ helmet o~n."_

"Ah, now that's ironic." Kagami is almost going to laugh. He isn't sure if he hates or loves David Bowie right now. It's a good song though; telling the tale of a spaceman who gets lost in space. "So we are major Tom, huh?"

"You were losing your mind when everything was under control. At this situation, why are you so relaxed, huh?" Aomine is not freaking out anymore, but he is angry at the calm Kagami.

"Well, I didn't expect much from a system that approves your identity, first of all." Kagami is being sarcastic; it's his right since he is going to die in a stray space shuttle along with his arch enemy in basketball.

Tanned spaceman is ready to retort in his prickly way but Kagami doesn't give him the chance.

"Also, I don't think I wanna go back anymore. I mean, Gasol _kicked _the ball? What the hell? Basketball is not football." Redhead's response appeases other's fury.

"Yeah…That was strange." Bluenette looks thoughtful.

"I know, right?!"

Both men become quiet. They watch the magnificent scenery so few people is able to see; they feel privileged and cursed. David Bowie continues to sing his symbolic song.

"So what are we gonna do when our oxygen runs out?" Kagami asks without looking away from the view.

"First, I'm gonna kill you, so the oxygen can last longer. I'll think something after that." Aomine answers without a change in tone.

"So when?" Just as Kagami thought; he really doesn't care anymore if he lives to see more of this view. Aomine glances at Kagami.

"_-I think my ship knows which way to go~! Tell my wife I love her very much, she kno~ws!"_

"…In a moment."

"_Can you hear me, major Tom? Can you hear me, major Tom? Can you hear~"_

"Wow…" Kagami Taiga really admires the sight that lies in front of them.

"Yeah…" Aomine Daiki is amazed, too.

"_Planet Earth is blue~ and there's nothing I can do~"_

"I'm hungry. Is there any cheeseburgers here?" The grumbling of a glutton's stomach is thunderous.

"There should be some teriyaki burgers. Will do?"

"…Yeah, will do."

* * *

So they eat teriyaki burgers. Burgers in Space. Get it? Yeah me too.

Not having an ending is an ending. No, i'm not looking for excuses. p_p

Hate me for this waste of time. Please do.

The space jokes are made up by me. I dunno if Jupiter's 23rd moon is disoriented or not. Probably not. I know Pluto is a dwarf planet though.

I SWEAR DAVID BOWIE MADE ME DO THIS. HE IS A MESSIAH. HE CAME TO ME IN MY DREAM. What? No, his younger version did; I'm not a lolita, gee. q_q


End file.
